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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in i smoke crack-ass crack's LiveJournal:

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Thursday, March 7th, 2002
9:24 am
should the embargo be lifted?
"The worst nightmare of pro-embargo stalwarts is the specter of Americans filling Cuba's tourist hotels and, in the process, leaving behind hundreds of millions in dollars for Cuba's cash-starved government."

we could also leave behind the seeds of democracy, can't we?
Monday, September 3rd, 2001
2:26 pm
crackho just had a memory flashback. or maybe it was an acid flashback. anyway, i was a little crackho at the petting zoo in the bronx. i remember they put me in the pen with the little piggies. dammit if i wasn't hungry, though. i started eating me a little pork sandwich. shit, i was running around biting all the animals and the zoo keepers by the end of the day. until someone whacked me upside the head with a two by four.

that's just like me today, though. i always make due with what i got. the other day, i needed a pipe. but i didn't have anything. and just then a crack-ass unicorn come walking down the street. i bit its head off and started smoking with it. now, i know what you're thinking. "crackho, you don't live on a street." this is true. but sometimes you gotta fabricate to keep the listeners tuned in.
Saturday, August 11th, 2001
3:59 pm
crackho don't live in the best of neighbordhoods. last night there was another turf war between two of the most violent gangs in the lower east side.

i believe this time it was the metamucil boys versus the ex-lax posse. i don't know. it's all shit to me. but don't say that to them. they take their shit seriously.

it seems that the metamucil boys were talking about how cool they were because they were "all natural" and shit. the ex-lax boys weren't having none of that.

it was brutal, but the ex-lax boys pulled it off, on account of the metamucil boys having to wait for their shit to kick in.

in other news, i have decided to start posting, but only periodically. crackho is hiding from the po'leece. their cracker asses have been after me, just cause i smoke a little crack from time to time.

that's it for now. but be on the lookout.
Monday, June 18th, 2001
2:11 pm
crackho no mo
all good things must come to an end. but so must must all bad things. including crackho. as of 5.00 pm today, crackho will say goodbye. anyone who wishes to keep up with the trials and tribulations of my daily life--as i see them--can look into the journal of ralphjunior. i shall paraphrase robert, the seventeenth bruce of scotland, as he spoke to his men before riding into battle against the british army that had executed william "braveheart" wallace:

you bled you with crackho. now bleed with me.

good bye

for real this time.

Saturday, June 16th, 2001
2:44 pm
crackho's bone's are gettin' very very tired. the end is nigh. this could be it for crackho.
Wednesday, May 30th, 2001
5:46 pm
farts can be angelic
farts can be angelic
if only they'd reach the sky.
but most farts stay in the pants
where they become putrid and die.

is there no room in heaven,
whose reach is so vast,
for a few little farts
or other forms of gas?

why must they be looked down upon
and given a lower rank?
when you know most people here
secretly revel in their stank.

you sit in your room
shades pulled down.
you let a little one go
and pray it's not brown.

there is no more noble an art
than a big, wet, juicy stank-ass fart.
Tuesday, May 29th, 2001
3:56 pm
you know, you can always have a best friend in crack. crack don't ask you why you came home at 5 in the morning. crack don't slap you when you accidentally bite a part of your lover's ass for thinking it's a turkey sandwich. and crack never says, "yo bitch, make me some dinner!" unless you're on acid. then crack says all that shit and more.
Saturday, May 26th, 2001
11:45 pm
Even crackho can fall in love. You know it's love when you can wallow in his stank-ass fart. I only wallowed in one other man's gas before, and that was my dad's.

When I was a little crackho I used to do all sorts of bad shit. Not on purpose though. Well, maybe some of it was on purpose, but I was your average little kid living in the crackhouse.

Whenever I did something bad my daddy would take me into the bathroom after a few too many tacos and he would make me smell his nasty-ass shits. he would tie my hands behind my back to make sure that i was soaking up the full flavor of his crack shits. (let me tell you, crack shits ain't nothing to play around with. one time i had to be sent to the hospital for crack-shit inhilation.)

to this day i sometimes get freaked out when my lover puts me in a dutch oven. i really think it's similar to how jewish people may have felt after WWII. (man, crackho gonna fry for that one.)

I must update this more regularly. Like the other day I put cookies on my raisin tits and fed them to the dogs.
Monday, May 14th, 2001
2:05 am
crackho thinks that crying about the absurdity that is life is like crying when you lose the lottery.

the dead milkmen once said:

life is shit.
life is shit.
the world is shit.
the world is shit and

this is life as we know it.
this is life as we know it.

them white boys knew what they was talking about.
Wednesday, May 9th, 2001
10:24 am
crackho had a father once. he was eaten alive by camels in the desert. just goes to show what some animals will do for a hit of that sweet sweet crack rock.
Sunday, May 6th, 2001
4:32 pm
crackho notices how similar things are among the different cultures and subcultures here in america. for example, the other day i was at my new pimp's apartment, when a giraffe offered my a line of coke. i says "no thank you, mr. giraffe. i'm just a crackho and i usually stick to the pipe." then the pimp looked at the giraffe, bit it's nuts off and then killed it. he made a giant, stank-ass crack pipe out of his head and neck.

just like those folks in the suburbs.
Saturday, May 5th, 2001
12:34 pm
i like the heat in new york. lately, i've been licking the sweet armpit sweat of my stank-ass lover when i get thirsty. sometimes i wonder if this is the one. would an armpit by any other name taste so sweet?

yesterday i was walking down canal street and headed towards the the barnum and bailey circus. see, whenver they are in town, i go straight to the dumpster and look for the elephant shit. they smell and texture take me back to the days of my youth. mama crackho would be in the kitchen fixing elephant-shit pie while all 23 of my brothers and sisters pitched in. we were living the american dream--our crackhouse, two rats and a broken bicycle.

so anyways, i get to the dumpster and there is a line of like-minded crackhos already there. like 18 of them were related to me. i guess i learned a lesson here: don't depend on elephant shit, lest ye be shitted on.
Friday, May 4th, 2001
12:25 pm
crackho is not really into partisan politics. she voted for harry browne in the last election. like many decisions in my life, this had to do with crack.

one day i was ass-smoking some crack. "what is ass-smoking?" you may ask. well, i'm gonna tell you. ass-smoking crack is when someone smokes crack and hold their breath. you then put your lips completely around the anal cavity, or what is known as the asshole in the medical community. you then suck the crack smoke out the ass. i don't know if it gets me high or not, but i think my friends all appreciate it when i do it. i'm usually the only one. they laugh and shout, "there goes crackho, queen of ass-smoking!"

for that reason, i voted for harry "my shit be" browne. he is real popular in bed-sty.

pony go left
pony go right
someone get me some pancakes
cause i'm gonna shit my pants tonight
Thursday, May 3rd, 2001
9:00 pm
poo poo
a yankee did a doo
it smell like someone
put a turd on you
Tuesday, May 1st, 2001
9:56 pm
crackho ponders pumpkin and shit
speaking of asses, one time i shot a bottle rocket out my ass and hit an undercover cop. i'm just a crackho and so sometimes i'm not so bright. the cop smeared feces and sweet sweet pumpkin pie all over me. i guess you could say he gave me a shit-pumpkin sandwich.

my love for crack is as strong as the odor in my panties. they stink like stank.
Saturday, April 28th, 2001
3:00 pm
an ode to chocolate
nothing fills my belly
with more delight
than the chocolate that be falling out my ass
when i'm hungry late at night
1:16 pm
good morning america, how are you?
crackho would say that this has been her average saturday morning. this cop was peeing on me. "hello, officer peabody," i says. but then i began to notice that the liquid was coming out brown and tasting like shit. i realized that he had diahrrea. "hey man, that ain't cool." he tells me that it's a federal offence to question a cop while he or she is defecating on you. i gave him the finger. actually, i did it to "plug up the damn." i think he liked it and let me go.
Tuesday, April 24th, 2001
2:06 pm
crack ho had a good weekend. stayed off the pipe for a while and discovered the beauty in spring. like the cherry blossoms and the smell of stank-ass crack blowing through the meadows while i wiped my ass with sand. also, i rediscovered my love for the saltiness of my lover's armpits. tasted just like salt and vinegar potato chips on a sweaty summer day.

i wish for there to be peace in the middle east. i should go and bring my vision off a stank-ass future to the area. i would pee liquid love that could be drunk by all religions. i would blow love in the form of my putrid-ass crack farts over the whole problem.

speaking of money, it's getting harder to please people on the street. even crack ho has limits of what i'll do for money. yesterday, while i was sucking the fart out of some guy's ass, he told me to get ready for a brown chunk. i'm just a crack and so i'm not too bright sometimes. i thought he was gonna give me a hershey's kiss. well, it was a kiss alright, but it came straight out the hershey highway. i guess that's what you get for living a life like mine.

Current Mood: crappy
Saturday, April 21st, 2001
4:13 pm
crack hos sometimes need a little lovin' like everybody else. last night i went out to spanish harlem to look for a good puerto rican man who likes to smoke crack-ass crack. i met chico on the corner of 125th and 10th. he axed me if i wanted some moonshine that his grandmother makes for the children she babysits. since i'm a crack ho and i'm not too bright, i said yes. big mistake.

that moonshine has nasty effects on people. after a few swigs, these huge sunflowers start growing out crack ho's titties. at first i thought it was a hallucination, but there they was. two huge sunflowers coming out my tetas. his grandmama just laughed and said "you must be a crack ho. my moonshine ain't 'posed to be drunk by no crack hos. now get out."

so i'm running on 125th with sunflowers coming out my titties. by now, a gopher has been poking his head out my ass. he kept saying that he wanted my sunflowers, but they were a part of me now and i could not let them go. i tried hard to fart the gopher out. i get to a chinese food place and showed them the gopher. they helped me fart him into a wok and they made fried ass-gopher chow mein.


next time, "crack ho graduates 10th grade at age 26."
Friday, April 20th, 2001
9:19 pm
my cousin just gave me a chocolate egg. she's lucky it ain't a crack egg. crack eggs freak the shit out of me. they're usually brown like chocolate eggs, but that's because they come out of crack ho mama's ass. i ate like three the other night. but that's just the life of a crack ho.

you know, i've been looking over the piss-stained remains of my life. and you know what? i wouldn't do a damned thing differently. except that i would have found help earlier for the fact that i like to throw shit at peole at the mall just to see them cringe. i say "yeah, you just got shitted on by the crack ho!"

i love being alive, though, and i love crack. yesterday, this bitch tried to sell me fart in a can. she must've thought i was from the other side of town. i know exactly what fart in a can looks and smells like. shit, i used to sell it myself. those little white suburbian eminem kids will do anything to get high, included sniffing other people's farts. i say "smack my ass and call me butternut, baby, cause it's fart in a can!!!"
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